To Fear Like A Child
by Clare Hope
Summary: Ianto would much rather just leave, go back home, leave this god-damned countryside forever, but he didn't have the strength even to lift his head, let alone stand up. Why was Owen being nice to him? He didn't deserve to be looked after. It was his job to be the one who cleaned up, who never asked for anything.


_I hear their voices. What are they doing here? Am I imagining it? It hurts so much. Maybe they've saved me. I don't deserve to be saved. I can't see, something is over my head, I can't breathe, what's happening? Oh no no no they've got them too. Run, please, leave me! How did they get caught? Was it my fault? It's all my fault…_These precise thoughts were running through Ianto's mind, and he was the most frightened he had ever been in his entire life.

And when, less than a half an hour later, sitting in the back of an ambulance, the medic attending to him walked away for a second, he stood up shakily and painfully and stumbled away to the edge of the woods. No one saw him go. No one noticed when he started to run, ignoring his probably broken ribs.

He couldn't breathe. Unable to keep going, he just collapsed in a heap against a tree, coughing and whimpering, clutching his arms around his ribs. _Don't you dare throw up_, he told himself. He knew how much that would hurt. He pressed the side of his face deeper into the cool, damp soil, curling up into a tighter ball. His entire body throbbed with every heartbeat. He wished Lisa was there, and then wished he hadn't thought about her when a sob wrenched his body and jolted his injuries. _Let me die,_ he found himself thinking.

As if from a great distance, he heard footsteps approaching. He didn't even care who it was, he just wanted them to go away and leave him alone. A concerned voice, one that Ianto wasn't used to hearing speaking kindly, was calling out to him. "Ianto, mate," Owen Harper said. "Hey, what're you doing down there?" Ianto's eyes were squeezed shut and he didn't respond to Owen, but the doctor's hand rested gently on his shoulder. "Mate, you're hurt, let them look you over. Or do you want to go back to the Hub? I can treat you there, if you want. You shouldn't be out here alone."

Ianto would much rather just leave, go back home, leave this god-damned countryside forever, but he didn't have the strength even to lift his head, let alone stand up. Why was Owen being nice to him? He didn't deserve to be looked after. It was his job to be the one who cleaned up, who never asked for anything. But just this once, his control over his voice wasn't very strong. "Home," he whispered, voice breaking, not trying to conceal his tears.

"Okay, Yan," Owen said. "Could you stand up?" Ianto shook his head a tiny bit, but it was enough. "Hold on, hang on, then. I'm going to go get Jack, okay? I can't carry you out by myself."

"'kay." Ianto didn't have the will to protest, even though he would much rather not have to be carried. Especially by Jack. Owen stood up, giving Ianto's shoulder a slight squeeze.

"Be right back."

Ianto lay as still as he could, breathing shallowly. Lack of air made his lungs burn as much as his ribs, and he slid halfway into unconsciousness. A voice with an American accent penetrated the blackness. "My god, Owen, he looks awful."

"Yeah well, what did you expect?" Owen sounded brusque again. "Ianto, you awake?" Ianto indicated that he was by opening his eyes, trying to focus on Owen's face, blinking a few times, and then closing them again as the blurred image made his head throb. "Okay, Jack, would you lift him up?"

Ianto whimpered again as he felt himself being picked up, infant-style, supported under his back and knees. It hurt, but he knew that Jack wouldn't drop him. "I've got you, Ianto," Jack murmured.

Ianto blacked out once more, barely hearing Owen's remark, "If you drop him, Harkness…"

... ... ... ... ...

There was a trembling hum and the sensation of movement. Ianto returned slowly to consciousness, and just as slowly realized that he was in some car, laid across the backseat. Cracking one eye open slightly, he recognized the dark roof of the Torchwood SUV. He tried to breathe, but cried out softly at the sudden assault of pain.

"Ianto, you all right?" Owen asked from the driver's seat.

"No," Ianto answered honestly. "Where're they?

Owen understood the vague question perfectly. "Gwen is going to hospital. She got shot, but she'll be okay. Tosh and Jack are going with her to make sure she's alright, plus Tosh has a nasty knock to her head."

"Ow." Ianto was sure Owen didn't know if the "ow" was meant as a response to Gwen and Tosh's injuries or to his own. He wasn't quite sure himself, to be honest. Everything was just generally "ow".

"Ianto, you're going to have to help me find your flat," Owen said.

"Why?"

"You said you wanted to go home," the doctor said, confused. "I don't know exactly where your flat is."

Ianto bit his lip hard as the car turned and he was shifted slightly. He tasted blood. "My flat, it's not home," he muttered. "'s just where I sleep, sometimes. I want to go home, to the Hub."

Owen was silent for a minute. "Okay. Well, we'll be there in about ten minutes, tops. Try not to go back to sleep, 'kay? I don't think you have a concussion, but it's better to be safe than sorry."

"I'll try," Ianto said. Again, his normal filter for speech, which would usually stop him asking for anything, seemed to have disappeared. "Keep talking, please," he murmured.

"Okay, okay. You know, sometimes I feel like the Hub is home more than my flat, too, and I have a pretty great flat. I certainly spend more time at work than at home. This bloody job, eh? It changes you. But, you know, I wouldn't give it up if I had the chance. Would you?"

"Obviously not," Ianto replied.

"Sorry. Right. Did Jack actually give you the chance?"

Ianto was not happy with how this conversation was heading. "Can we not talk about this?" he said irritably.

"Yeah, sorry." Owen fell silent. What else was there to talk about?

"It's all right," Ianto said softly. He was drifting back slowly into unconsciousness.

"Ianto?" He didn't respond. "Ianto, stay awake please. Hang on, we're almost there. Stay awake, Yan, hang in there. Don't fall asleep, please." Owen kept talking like that for another several minutes. He sounded a little desperate and very worried. Ianto did his best to do as he asked. The SUV slid to a stop. "We're here, Ianto. I'm sorry, you're going to have to walk in. I'll help you, but I can't carry you in."

"Okay," Ianto whispered. He managed to sit up. Owen was out of the car and had opened the door so Ianto could get out. Ianto slid out of the car. He was about to fall over, but Owen caught him and supported him.

Somehow, they managed to get inside of the Hub. Ianto collapsed onto the couch in the main space, trembling. "I'll be right back, Ianto, I have to go and get some supplies, okay?"

"Yeah," Ianto replied. The couch was so much more comfortable than the bench seats in the SUV.

"Don't fall asleep," Owen ordered. Ianto closed his eyes, but nodded. Owen wasn't gone long. "I'm back," he said, placing his hand on Ianto's shoulder.

"I noticed," Ianto said dryly.

"Good. Open your eyes, please." Owen was in full doctor mode now. Ianto opened his eyes and winced as Owen shone a light in them. "You don't have a concussion."

"Can I go to sleep, then?"

"Not just yet. Pain?"

"Everywhere," Ianto muttered.

"Going to need more specifics, Yan."

"Umm. They might've broken a rib. Or two." Ianto winced again as Owen pressed a hand to his side. "Get off!" he snapped.

"Sorry. Could you take your sweatshirt off, please?" Owen watched as Ianto struggled to pull his jacket off. It was stained with dirt and possibly blood. With a bit of cursing under his breath, Ianto managed to get it off.

"There, happy?" he said. His sides ached with every movement. Ianto could tell that his torso was probably covered in bruises from the bat and the rifle butt as well as that awful man's boot.

"Not particularly," Owen replied. Ianto sighed with resignation as Owen pulled the edge of his t-shirt up. Owen hissed softly as he saw the mottled purple bruising covering Ianto's sides. "Bloody hell," he said. "What did they do to you?"

For some reason, Ianto could feel tears starting to sting at his eyes, but he tried to blink them away. "They said…they said that meat had to be tenderized before eating."

"Bloody hell," Owen said again. "I'm so sorry, Ianto."

"They tried to hurt Tosh first," Ianto said weakly. "I couldn't let them do that. I thought I could let her escape, but they got her again, and you and Gwen, too. I'm sorry."

"_You're_ sorry? God, Ianto!" Owen exclaimed. He shook his head, lost for words. "Come on," he said finally. "I have to figure out which ribs are broken."

"Okay," Ianto agreed quietly. He wished Owen would just let him sleep. Though if the sleep was natural, not unconsciousness, he knew that the nightmares would be terrible. He managed to stifle any sounds of pain as Owen examined him.

"Okay, Yan, you've got a couple of fractures, but nothing major," Owen said, relieved. "Mostly it's just bruises. You're going to be hurting for a long time, though."

"Yeah, I sort of knew that, thanks," Ianto said angrily.

Owen ignored Ianto's tone. "Hold still for a second," he said. He injected Ianto quickly with a syringe.

"Ouch," Ianto complained, but it was a reflex more than a response.

"This should help with the pain, and let you get some sleep," Owen explained. "I can't really do much more than that." Ianto felt the throbbing ease enough so he could lie down on the couch, and breathing was less of a struggle.

"Thanks," he whispered. His eyes closed, and with darkness came freedom from the pain.

He was right about the nightmares. But the worst part was that his body was so exhausted that he couldn't wake up after each one. He'd just slip deeper into terror. Occasionally he would halfway wake up, enough to tell himself that it was just a dream, but always would return to the nightmare. They weren't like most nightmares, a story or a memory: just an overwhelming feeling of fear, darkness, and pain. Or maybe there was something happening, but he couldn't remember much afterwards.

... ... ... ... ...

When finally he woke up properly, it was still dark. Maybe it was night, and maybe all of the lights were turned off, because it was difficult to tell underground. Ianto forced his eyes open. Owen was gone, but someone else was in the room. Ianto could hear the breathing, very close by. He saw the top of a head over the opposite arm of the couch. He though he recognized Jack. What was he doing here?

"Jack?" Ianto whispered.

Jack turned his head around, standing up. "Ianto, you're awake."

_Thanks for pointing that out,_ Ianto thought, but all he said aloud was "Yeah."

"How are you feeling?" Jack asked, coming over to Ianto.

Ianto took a moment to think about this. "Pretty awful," he decided on. He attempted to sit up, but fell back with a cry. Jack's arm was underneath his shoulders before he could even fall down completely.

"It's okay," Jack said, "I've got you." He helped Ianto sit up.

"Where's Owen?" Ianto asked.

"Said he had to go somewhere," Jack answered. "He called to ask me to come and look after you."

"He didn't have to do that," Ianto protested.

"Well, yeah. He sort of did," Jack corrected. "You didn't think we would just leave you alone like this, did you?"

"Why not?"

Jack sat down on the couch next to the young Welshman. He didn't answer Ianto's question, even though he had asked it in all seriousness. "How are you?"

"Fine," Ianto replied automatically.

"No," Jack said. "No. Answer me truthfully."

_Why?_ Ianto thought bitterly. _And how do you even describe something like this, if I was inclined to tell him?_ "I'm doing alright, everything considered, sir."

"I don't believe that, either." Jack sighed. "Come on, Ianto. Talk to me."

"No thank you, sir," Ianto replied politely and coldly. Maybe it was wrong, but he was angry at Jack, first for killing Lisa, then for taking them all on that stupid trip to the bloody countryside.

Jack didn't seem to get the message, or perhaps he was just ignoring it. "Well, you should talk anyway. It might help."

Ianto stood up, paying no attention to his protesting injuries. He started to walk away, not looking back, though he could picture Jack's surprised expression perfectly. Suddenly, there was a sensation in his side like someone stabbing him. He was unable to stop himself from screaming and he fell to his knees, clutching around his middle. He doubled over and started to cry. _I'm pathetic_, he told himself. _I must look so weak right now. _He felt someone stroking his back and could hear Jack dialing on his phone.

"Owen! Owen, come back to the Hub, quick. Something's wrong, he just collapsed." Jack sounded panicky. "Yeah, he woke up; he tried to walk, he just screamed, and fell over. Hurry!" He hung up, and the phone was dropped onto the ground. Ianto continued to sob, unable to stop. "Shh, shh," Jack said helplessly.

Ianto's head was nearly resting on his knees. He coughed hard, and tasted blood. Fear rose up inside of him, and the sensation was physical; he could feel it welling up until he thought he would burst of it. He was shaking hard. "Jack!" he choked, raising his head slightly, spitting out more blood.

Jack froze. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed at the sight. "Okay, okay, it's okay," he tried to reassure Ianto. "Everything's going to be fine. Shh, it's alright. Try and calm down, shh." He rubbed Ianto's back as Ianto tried to stop coughing. Each time he coughed, though, more blood spattered on the floor, and his sobs only got louder as he tried to get his terror under control. "Ianto, shh, calm down. Hey, come here." Jack wrapped his arms around Ianto, making him sit upright, hugging the younger man to his chest.

The world blurred through tears. Ianto shook tremulously, leaning backwards into Jack. The overwhelming panic ebbed slightly as he managed to gain control of his breathing and stop coughing. "Jack…" Ianto whispered.

"It's okay, shh, I've got you," Jack murmured. "Just breathe, Owen will be here soon. Don't talk right now." The captain rocked back and forth slowly. Ianto let his head fall backwards, resting on Jack's shoulder. "Come on, you; let's get you back to the couch." Jack didn't even try to make Ianto stand up, just lifted him up in the same way that he had earlier and set him down on the couch.

"Thanks," was all Ianto could manage. His heart was beating much faster than it should have been. He could feel it. Everything felt cold, and he was shivering. Jack noticed, and, without saying anything, found a blanket and wrapped it around Ianto's shoulders.

Ianto sighed, the pain abating somewhat. His heartbeat slowed. The terror was gone, replaced with the same sort of dread that he had as a child whenever he was sick: the irrational fear that a cold or stomach flu would end in death. He could tell himself that everything was going to be fine, that Owen would be able to fix whatever was wrong with him, or, if that failed, they would bring him to a hospital, but he couldn't shake the fear. His breathing quickened. "I'm scared, Jack," he blurted out, without meaning to.

Jack put his arms around Ianto. "I won't lie, I'm scared too." He made Ianto put his head on his shoulder, stroking his hair. "But you're going to be fine, I promise."

Ianto felt broken, physically and emotionally. He went limp in Jack's arms, silent tears leaking from out of the corners of his eyes. There was nothing solid now. Everything he had held onto over the past year, since Canary Wharf, was gone. Lisa was dead. He'd betrayed his friends by trying to save his love, and now this. This was too much. He wasn't afraid anymore, just numb. He couldn't feel anything now.

And it was a relief.

So was the blackness that came shortly, a sleep without dreams.

... ... ... ... ...

Someone was humming. It was a quiet song, made softer by a gentle voice. It was a woman's voice. He recognized it, he knew he did. And a small hand was pressed to his. Whose voice, whose hand?

He blinked. It was dark. Then he remembered everything. "Tosh?" Ianto whispered.

The young Japanese woman gasped slightly. "Ianto! Hi."

"I'm glad you didn't say, 'you're awake'," he responded, trying to make his voice sound light. "Tosh, where am I?"

"You're in your flat," Toshiko answered, slightly nervously. "We thought that was best. I hope it's okay. We've been taking turns looking after you."

Ianto then recognized that he was in his own bed. "Oh. Of course it was okay. Wait…_We_ who?"

"Me and Gwen and Owen and Jack," Tosh said. "Ianto, you've been unconscious for three days."

"What!" Ianto exclaimed. He tried to sit up. Not for the first time recently, he was pushed back down gently. He would have fallen back anyway. It hurt.

"Don't get up, please," Tosh pleaded. "Owen says you're not allowed to get out of bed yet. You were more badly hurt than he thought. Ianto, he feels awful for not paying more attention at first."

Ianto breathed lightly, trying not to move. With awakening came the agony of his nearly broken body. "I'm sure he did what he could," he said automatically.

"Maybe, but he still regrets it. Don't be surprised if he doesn't admit that to you, though."

"Oh, I won't be."

Tosh still was clasping his hand. "Ianto, I want to thank you."

He closed his eyes. No, he didn't want to be thanked. He didn't want to think about what he had gone through for someone else, even though he knew he would do it again if he had to. But he let her keep talking.

"I think you were really brave, letting me escape. I shouldn't have left you. I'm so sorry." She was crying now. He could hear it.

"Tosh, could you please help me sit up?" he asked. Still crying, she did. He pulled her into a hug, ignoring his injuries, and let her cry into his shoulder for a few minutes. She probably hadn't let go of any of her feelings since everything had happened, and had just buried herself in work, as usual. That was what he usually did too, only Tosh did it much better. She was very strong, even if the others sometimes viewed her as too shy or anti-social.

"Tosh," Ianto murmured. "It was my decision, really, it was. Don't you dare blame yourself anymore."

She pulled back, sniffing. "Okay, I'll try. Ianto, were you dreaming?"

Ianto was confused. "What, when I was just asleep?" She nodded. "I don't think so. I don't remember any. Why?"

"You weren't very still. You would twitch your hand, or turn your face, almost constantly. You said some things, too. I couldn't hear any of them clearly," she assured him as he looked worried suddenly. "But I was worried that you were having nightmares."

"I probably was, but I don't remember them. I'm okay, Tosh." Ianto was surprised to find that this was mostly true. He wasn't numb, or terrified and panicky. Yes, he was in pain, but it was mostly just physical now. He wasn't mentally in a worse state than he had been before the trip to the countryside, certainly. "I am, really."

Tosh looked at him skeptically for a minute, and then seemed to accept that he was telling the truth. "Okay," she said. "I'm supposed to call and tell them when you woke up."

"Go ahead."

Tosh pulled her mobile out of her pocket, and dialed swiftly. Ianto could barely hear the ringing, but it was answered almost immediately. "Hi, Jack, it's Tosh…No, he's fine, he's just woken up…Like, actually okay, not pretending, I think…I don't know, I'll ask." Tosh looked back at Ianto. "Ianto, would you be alright with them coming to see you?" He nodded his consent. "Yeah, he'd be alright with that, he says…Yeah, I'll see you in a minute."

"He thought I was pretending to be okay?" Ianto asked, slightly amused.

"Apparently you were the other day," Tosh said, sheepishly.

Ianto groaned. "He said that?" Then he sighed. "Oh, well. He was right."

"I know," Tosh said gently. "Now, lie back down before Owen comes in and yells at me for letting you move." Ianto did as she asked. Surprisingly, even after three days asleep, he was still exhausted.

"I'm going to fall asleep again, Tosh, is that okay?" he murmured drowsily.

He closed his eyes as he felt Tosh's hand on the top of his head. "Of course, Ianto. I'll make sure they don't wake you up when they come in."

"Thanks." And then Ianto was asleep again.

... ... ... ... ...

Tosh opened the door for Jack, Owen, and Gwen. "He's asleep again," she said, without a greeting. "But he wouldn't mind you all coming in."

"Thanks, Tosh," Gwen said, leading the way into the flat. Jack and Owen were one step behind her. "So, he's doing all right?"

They all sat down in Ianto's living room. It was plain, with just a television, a small couch, and a couple of chairs. Everything was perfectly clean. There wasn't much evidence that someone actually lived in this flat. Tosh and Gwen sat on the couch, and the boys took the chairs. "I think he's doing okay, yeah," Tosh said. "At least I'll say it wasn't him who started crying when he woke up." She blushed and fell silent. She hadn't really meant to say that.

The others knew better than to ask if _she _had been the one crying.

While waiting for Ianto to wake up, they passed the time discussing some of the happenings at Torchwood over the past few weeks, pointedly avoiding any mention of the cannibals, or of the Cyberwoman.

Voices were drifting into the darkness. _Not again. No, please. They can't be here, no, no. Leave them alone, let them go! No! It's happening again, I can't breathe. Is it real? I don't know anymore, what's real, what's not. All I know is that I'm not worth their lives. They have to leave me! Get out! Run! NO! _There was a knife to his throat, he could smell blood. His blood, or someone else's blood, his friends' blood…he didn't know. He knew he was going to die, he was going to die, and there was no chance of rescue…

"Ianto! Ianto, love, wake up!" Gwen Cooper was trying to hold Ianto still. He clutched at her hands like lifelines, dragging himself out of his nightmare. He was wide awake now, and could see that Tosh, Owen, and Jack were all there too, standing behind Gwen. "That's it, sweetheart," Gwen was saying encouragingly, "you're all right, you're safe now." Ianto was panting, tears streaming out of his eyes, though he wasn't really crying. Gwen wrapped her arms around him.

"I'm alright, Gwen, I'm okay," Ianto tried to protest. He'd already lost it once, with Jack, he didn't need everyone to see this. He had to be fine now, he had to get them all to leave so he could think. Ianto pushed Gwen away, ignoring her slightly hurt expression. "I'm fine," he said again, addressing the others now. He took one deep breath and closed himself up. His face became the mask that everyone was accustomed to seeing. "All of you, please, just go. I'm fine. I'll be back to work in a couple of days."

Owen looked about to say something, but Jack cut him off. "You sure, Yan?"

"Yes," Ianto replied decisively.

Jack nodded. "Take as long as you think you need. We'll see you then. Come on, let's leave. Gwen, you too. Let's go, come on." Jack herded all three out of Ianto's room, pausing for a moment as if he was going to say something else, but turned away again, and shut the bedroom door.

Ianto could hear his front door open and shut, too. It was dark now, and quiet. Immediately, he felt more comfortable. He didn't like having other people in his flat. He always preferred to be alone. He didn't have to act then. He got out of bed, grateful that three days of sleep had allowed the pain of his injuries to lessen to a level easily dealt with. The first thing that he did was to turn his light on. Everything was more manageable with light, and he sighed with relief as his flat became illuminated. He wasn't really afraid of the dark, but the light was much friendlier. It was much harder to fear like a child when the world was well-lit.

* * *

><p><em>And here is my required Post-Countrycide fic. I think it covers the post-Cyberwoman one, too. Ianto is my favorite TW character, and like so many others, I decided he didn't get the attention he deserved in Countrycide, so I fixed it. Please review if you liked it! Or even if you didn't, I'd be happy to know how to improve my writing. Also, I love writing Ianto, Jack, Owen, and Tosh, but writing Gwen is less fun. I do <em>not_ dislike her character, just...I dislike writing her. That's all. If you liked this, you'd probably like "Fantastic Dilemma", my take on the post-Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang genre. It's got the typical Jack-freak-out and Ianto being helpful, but it's also got a twist. Thank you for reading! Love you. _


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